Breathing Underwater

Day 68

Answer me quickly, Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life. (Psalm 143:7-8)

It has been sixty-eight days since my last drink, and I have not had a seizure yet. I wish that I could say that I was happy, but I am afraid that I am battling with depression. I am not sure what to do about it. I ask God for help, I read the Bible for answers, and I write when I feel like I have something to say. I feel alone, but that is so preposterous because I am not. I have so much support. Every time I sit down to write lately, I feel like I am having this personal pity party, and I think that is why I have been avoiding the computer. . . . and why I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. And why even on Saturday morning I sit in bed and cry. What is wrong with me? I can never publish this stupid book now because I don’t want anyone to see how pathetic I am.

No one wants to be around a person who is so down all of the time. I don’t want to be a glass half empty person. I want to be full of hope. Because I have faith. I do. I don’t know why I am struggling with my emotions so much right now. I am a hopeful person, and I do have faith that God has a plan for me. I just have to remember that. I am not sure why depression is part of that plan. But there must be a reason. There must be other people out there who are battling the same feelings that I am.

And King David knew that nothing stops God in his tracks more than a song of praise, but in these verses I can hear a the same prayer that I prayed this morning. David felt just like I do, which makes me feel better somehow—not knowing that he was suffering at the moment, but that I am not a freak of nature, that I am not alone in the way I am feeling. That if King David felt this way, and I feel this way (even though my problems are on a smaller scale, I’m sure), I am sure that others share this same feeling of helplessness or at times, depression. But when we do, we are not alone. And if you believe in Christ, you are one with him.

This is a poem by Carol Bieleck that Richard Rohr quotes in his book Breathing Under Water: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps. I love this poem because when you are drowning, you can’t even swim, you have to adapt. You have to find a different way to live for a while. You have to give up control.

“Breathing Under Water”

I built my house on the sea.

Not on the sands, mind you;

Not on the shifting sand.

And I built it of rock.

A strong house

By a strong sea.

And we got well acquainted,

The sea and I.

Good neighbors.

Not that we spoke much.

We met in silences.

Respectful, keeping our distance,

But looking our thoughts across the fence of sand.

Always the fence of sand our barrier,

Always the sand between.

And then one day,

--and I still don’t know how it

happened—

the sea came.

Without warning.

Without welcome, even

Not sudden and swift, but a

Shifting across the sand

Like wine,

Less like the flow of water than

The flow of blood.

Slow, but the flowing like an open

Wound.

And I thought of flight and I

thought of drowning

and I thought of death.

And while I thought the sea

Crept higher, till it

Reached my door.

And I knew then, there was

Neither flight, nor death,

Nor drowning.

That when the sea comes calling you stop being neighbors

And you learn to breathe underwater. (Rohr or original publication?)

I felt like drowning when I began having seizures ten years ago. I think that I was drowning myself with alcohol to numb any pain or pressure from stress. After the last Tonic Clonic seizure, I decided that I had a choice to make. I can keep drowning myself, or I can learn to breathe underwater. And hopefully this feeling of helplessness and depression will pass. J and I can walk or ride our bikes or catch a ride. We live close to everything we need.

Dear Lord, I know that you are with me always. Help me to breathe underwater when I feel like I am drowning. Help me to adapt to any challenges that come my way this week.