Our Advocate
It has been 20 months since my last seizure and since I had my last drink. I feel like God still wants me to write about my experiences, but I haven't been writing. So I decided to post another article tonight to chart my progress since my last post.
I have been thinking about what I have learned over the last year. I know that I when I drank, it was usually because of stress, but I have learned that anxiety could cause me to reach for the bottle too. I have a lot anxiety at times. There are many of us out there that do. Can I get an amen?
I am learning to deal with anxiety and stress without alcohol. My neurologist suggested that I see a psychologist or a psychiatrist, for my angst. But because of a recent physical, I knew that my estrogen and testosterone were very low, and according to my N.P., low estrogen can cause anxiety, depression, and confusion, all of which I have had over the past year to some extent. So I decided to start taking an estrogen supplement since I knew that my estrogen was low, instead of taking an antidepressant that might just mask that pain instead of treat the problem.
The estrogen has helped. But I still have some anxiety, though. Every has some right? I have that little wicked voice in my head that sends me into the bathroom at work crying for no good reason. The one that tells me that I'm not good enough at my job, and it gets me all stressed out. The same voice that tells me that my work isn't good enough, and as a result, I end up redoing what I am working on over and over again until I have spent my entire Sunday afternoon redoing over and over again an assignment for work that the voice tells me isn't good enough. And I know that voice isn't God's. But I still keep listening to it. You probably hear this same voice sometimes, too. And I will listen, and sometimes it will drive me batty, until I finally put up my hands and surrender. But then I remember that I have an Advocate--someone who will speak for me when I cannot speak for myself, someone who will support me.
As a believer in Christ, I know that the Holy Spirit lives in me. As Jesus explains in John, " I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate, who will never leave you. He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth (John 14:16-17).
It is during these moments of anxiety when I usually feel paralyzed with indecision. That is when I ask the Holy Spirit to move in me because I cannot move, because I don't know what to do next. The assignment that I have redone three times....show me which way I should go with it. My Advocate will show me what do do next. I think that this means that He is the voice in my head that is speaking good things. I just have to listen. So in these moments, I stop, I pray, and I listen. And I have found that He will move in me, and then I will have direction.
I am thankful that I have made it this far, but I could not have done it without God's help.
Our pastor said something that stuck with me last week. He said that we should be "better, not bitter". When I hear the little voice that sounds "bitter", the one that has nothing good to say, I know that it is not the Holy Spirit's voice. He has a "better" voice. His voice is more encouraging. His is one full of love and grace. And not only do I want to listen to the better voice, the one full of grace and love, I want to make sure that I am full of grace and love instead of bitterness. Full of grace and love is a better way to live.