Mama Bear

Day 17

I have been trying to wake up and remember my dreams while they are still fresh in my mind, while the details are still warm and I can remember them , warm like bread right out of the oven. With each minute of the new day as I am pulled from sleep, if I’m not careful, I lose another detail from last night’s dream. So I stop where I am and grab pen and paper and write what I little bit I can remember about the drama that unfolded in my sleep last night.

All I remember is being surrounded by maybe some family and friends. Some I think were close to us, and I feel like some were not. My son and I were together. And I had a blanket. I tried to cover us with it. He wanted to use it as a tent. He liked to play in the tent. He felt safe there. And I think that I did too. I don’t think that I wanted to let him out.

That’s all I remember. I woke up.

J does not like to be in a confrontation. He also doesn’t like it when people watch him, if he thinks that they are going to judge him. Like when people watch him swim. He does not like to be stared at unless he invites you to watch. He feels like a threatened animal when we were all looking at him accusingly. And that puts him on the defense, on the attack. That is not that way to deal with J.

A good way to handle J when he is upset is to talk to him one by himself and to listen to him, not attack him. Situations can escalate quickly if you do not handle them the right way, I have learned over time. But I am not writing this post about child management, no.

For some reason I am dreaming about protecting my child from friends and family with a tent, and he is enjoying it. And what is so twisted is the more I try to protect him, he is like a caged animal who becomes more violent towards me. Why am I trying to protect him all the time? And what am I trying to protect him from? I am a momma bear, and it is natural to want to protect your child, but at some point, you have to start to let go a little.